No.151: The Wolf Inside

once upon a time,
I read about myself
in verse 27 of Genesis 49.
it said,
Benjamin is a ravenous wolf.

but I’ve learned there are two kinds--
the lone type,
and the one that finds its pack.
and I've been wondering which one I am.

not sure if I've found the latter.
not sure I want to remain the former.
I've learned, one way or another,
that one doesn't master loneliness.
it masters you.
but to settle for a crew I was not assigned to,
for the sake of company,
is to reduce myself from music to noise
for the sake of
company.

I want to climb the highest mountains
without ever losing track
of those climbing with me.
but to carry them on my back
because they’re climbing too slowly--
God I don’t know if I can,
I don't know if I want--I don’t know if I should have to.

but you didn’t ask what I wanted.
you asked if I’m willing,
and I’m the one sinking in my feelings like quicksand,
asking for friends and funds and knights and peace,
like I don’t already know that joy comes in the dirt,
in the work, in the hurt, in the tension, in the morning,
when new days bring a new set of chances to think,
not less of myself, but to think of myself
less,
to lay myself down as a bridge if it means
my brothers and sisters reach the other side.
You’ve allowed me to choose my family.
and now You’ve asked me to carry who I must,
to act like I bear the image of the Solid Rock,

because if I reach the top
by myself,
did I reach the top at all?

alas, your word says,
Benjamin is a ravenous wolf;
in the morning he devours the prey,
in the evening he divides the plunder.

so, is this the way then?
to find my pack through servitude?
I wonder.

Cover Photo by Tom Pottiger on Unsplash